it’s a weird thing ain’t it

you fucking right it is.

Love is daunting, incredibly scary and leaves you feeling vulnerable. It is also one of the greatest things that can happen to you.

I’d say I’m lucky to have felt love before. Not the love of yourself, or unreciprocated love. Love that has been, to my best knowledge, reciprocated and felt also. It changes you as a person. Not only does it turn you into this weird, emotional wreck; it broadly changes your view on the world as you know it. Some of my friends are in love, and it is the most warming thing to observe.

You experience the world from the point of view of a connected whole, made up of two halves. Battles are shared and are celebrated victoriously in this incredibly powerful bond of two. You gain a grand sense of empathy and a desire to change the world as you know it.

You are aware of the greater disasters and triumphs in life, that simultaneously horrify and excite.

Whether you are in love or not at this moment, being in love and then not being in love is an incredibly tough process for the soul to pass through. But the remnants of the good parts remain firmly rooted in the psyche. To be in love is to be empathetic and mindful which can be applied to life in general.

Even if you haven’t been in love with a person in a romantic way, you can still experience and share love in others. You can be kinder to the environment, more generous, less selfish, genuinely empathetic towards those that need it, more charitable, wary of how lucky or otherwise you are compared to some people. You can still let it fill you up and share and form of ‘love’, or whatever you want to call it, by just living a mindful life.

The most important thing is to not rely on people for happiness in love which is MUCH easier said than done. You still must be responsible for your own happiness as much as the other person should be responsible for their own. It’s a mistake I have made before and I probably am susceptible enough to make again. I would like to feel love again, I am just sincerely underprepared. I wouldn’t say you need to love yourself to be in love, but it helps. There’s no point in living an unhappy life with yourself if you genuinely want someone to be happy with you.

To live a mindful life, delete your social media apps, throw away your smartphone. Listen to more music, play an instrument, read, write, paint, get creative. Learn to like doing stuff on your own. Ensure what you are doing impacts no one negatively. It’s harder to ‘teach’ love to people, but once people learn about how good love can be, it’s all they’ll want to do.




So last week I finally took it upon myself to organise a therapy course. It’s been a real tough year, especially these past few months, and it is time I did something about it instead of wallow in self pity.

Luckily enough, the place I work for has a benefits package that includes free private healthcare with Westfield. I would rather go via the NHS, but because of how badly the government treat our national healthcare system, the waiting times were too long as I am pretty sure I need more immediate attention.

I made the call with an open mind, expecting the same sort of manner of conversation I have received through the NHS. I was so very, very wrong. I have never spoken to a more pious, non-understanding, unempathetic person in my entire life. The call itself was quite hard for me to do, but I felt like I had essentially ruined the person on the other end’s day.

They were abrupt, rude and sounded like they didn’t give a fuck about me. Which, to someone who is greatly affected by how people talk to them, made me like a worthless piece ofshit. I was treated with contempt beyond belief. Two questions really shocked me, however.

The first of which was ‘Depression, anxiety or personality disorder; which one would you like to be put down for?’

‘All three’, i replied. The following retort hit me like a train. ‘You can only choose one’. Well, I am sorry, I didn’t choose to have any of the above. Besides, they aren’t mutually exclusive. My basket is full of eggs that are joined. Essentially, it is full with one huge, rotten egg.

‘fuck’, I replied, a little shocked. ‘Don’t swear or I’ll hang up’, was the response. Nice, way to make me feel worse. I guess I’m honestly not worth your time. But I persevered and picked Personality Disorder so I could try kill three birds with one stone.

The next question just outright made me laugh with anger. ‘How likely are you to commit suicide today?’ This question is just wrong. Suicide is incredibly impulsive and a last ditch effort at resolving a problem. Suicide is something I contemplate daily, either seriously (to my own self-admittance, It’s been a tough few months), or just in general – in a Platonic way, I guess.

I wanted to say ‘After this phone call’ in a sarcastic fit of rage, but held back. I didn’t want to be incarcerated by the people in white coats. I said no, and it was the truth. I don’t want to die. A lot of the time I don’t want to live, but I know I don’t want to die. The difference between private healthcare from the NHS is a distinct lack of empathy. The more you pay, the less the empathy exists. I wish the NHS was a more viable option for me right now, but I’ll grab the opportunity for more a quicker course of action with both hands.

After this call, I arranged a session for Monday 11th. We’ll see how that goes. It’s been a long time coming, and my therapist sounds like a lovely human after our organisational phone call. Let’s see if I can’t at least try and feel better.

Thank you for reading, much love xo


it’s a weird thing

I can honestly tell you it wasn’t until university that I started getting hit by anxiety. After a few stressful as fuck years with some emotional tumult thrown in I started worrying about everything.

I guess I have always ‘been a worrier’, but it never started having a physical reaction until more recent years. The kind of reaction that tightens the chest, leaves my heart pounding like it’s being used in a game of baseball and causing a lasting, quite prolonged sense of danger and guilt.

I legitimately have nothing to worry about, but certain places, memories and even words and names spark of a gut reaction so violent and strong it takes an hour or two to recover.

Someone, who I met at the beginning of university and am still friends with now, remarked a noticeable change in my being, sense of self and personality too.

She said ‘when I met you, you were so confident and well spoken, good socially and real outgoing. Now you appear a shell of that; a complete polar opposite who is a complete introvert and almost scared to speak and talk to people.’

She’s right though. I guess university had more of an effect on me than I thought. Even to the point where I worry about not sleeping to the point I can’t sleep, which causes overthinking and steady waves of negative thoughts. I really do not care what people think of me, so why am I scared? I can’t look people in the eye when I talk to them, I struggle in crowds and any hint of alcohol currently makes me a bit of a mess.

I used to sleep more. My way of getting over a bout of sadness was have a long sleep and exercise but, now I barely get four hours a night. It sucks, I am always tired and feeling jaded. Currently, it really affects me in the workplace – I got so anxious this week I couldn’t talk to anyone at work. This is really NOT who I am.

The good thing is, a little laughter can shake off these shackles. I’ve had a pretty good weekend thus far, minus no sleep last night. So may it continue.

I do have much to look forward too, so that’s chill too.

I’ll try and worry less, but sometimes that’s like telling a fish to try and breathe air.

Positive vibes to you, dear reader xo

Fuck you, Richard

Richard La Ruina, fuck you.

Brit dating expert hits out at ‘overweight and entitled’ UK girls claiming all men should pick Eastern European women

The above is an excerpt from a news article I read. This prick Richard La Ruina firmly believes that British women are too entitled and overweight and all British men should look for an Eastern European. Astounding.

First things first. Women are far, far from entitled. Especially British women. Maybe it’s testament to your own shortcomings that you couldn’t find a British lady that likes you. Women are subjected to everyday sexism and sexual misconduct, BY MEN, that results in a complete lack of entitlement. Now, as women are only just beginning to spread news of sexism and other male shittiness, you have the audacity to call them entitled. Perhaps you’re scared of women being more intelligent or opinionated than you, you cuck.

You see Richard, it’s not about who YOU choose, it’s about who chooses you. I’m sorry you’ve had no luck here, but yeah fuck off somewhere else and spread your negativity about women. Entitled is exactly what our female cohort SHOULD be; men have been entitled for years, and falsely so.

Second of all, the physicality of a women does not determine them. Physical health is a national problem that effects all genders. It boils down to two things. Firstly, insecurity and poor mental health. I overeat when I’m sad, as do most people. It tends to be shit that isn’t good for me. It’s not just a ‘female’ problem. It’s an epidemic that is NOT discriminatory. People are bound to be insecure when a male beauty ideal is pasted here there and everywhere, in all advertising and business, making other people, particularly women, feel shitty about themselves. Guys want the ideal, thus making women, all naturally beautiful in their own way, feel crap about themselves and never feeling wanted. This causes comfort eating. Trust me the same happens to me when I see some shredded as fuck dude with a 816 pack; I just eat until I try and feel better. Insecurity is a bitch propagated by the male capitalist agenda to sell products and make money.

Secondly, fast food is a huge health risk. It’s a comfort food but also a good of choice for busy single parents, those who have no time to cook because of work, childcare etc, and those who simply do not know how to cook. It’s tasty and it ruins the body. Being smart about what you eat is something that applies to everyone, not just women.

So fuck you Richard. You embody everything wrong with males in society. I cannot try and distance myself from venomous worms like you more without literally killing myself.

Ladies, be entitled, fuck this male point of view, fight sexism and all the rest of it. This guy will never have you. You are all beautiful and let no man tell you any different.

Walk Update

As the time draws nearer to when Charlie and I embark on our little journey, I can reflect on why we are doing this.

Firstly, it’s for a really great charity that do so much for those that need it. SANE have been entirely supportive of myself throughout, sending me different items and fundraising packs that are so useful. They are free, which is amazing considering that they are such a small charity. It’s given me a goal, something to work towards and look forward too.

Secondly, in memory of my late cousin, Jamie, who, two years ago now, lost his life after a lifetime of addiction and poor mental health. He left a son, also called Jamie. Seeing Jamie Jnr at his own fathers funeral was incredibly heartbreaking and something ingrained in me forever. I guess the reason I have always been against the idea of kids is because of something like this. Furthermore, when I’m low, trying to bring up a kid in this dark, deeply troubling world is impossible.

I can’t imagine trying to explain to one of my own that ‘sometimes dad gets suicidal’ because it’s not something a kid should ever have to go through. So if I don’t have kids, they’ll never see someone they love go through such a painful process of pointlessness and self doubt.

Granted, they’ll never see the end product of recovery and happiness, but that’s a different matter.

This is more than a charitable matter, its trying to spread love and empathy in the run up to, and of course after this small walk.

It’s easier to love than to hate.

P.S, you’ve all been wonderful with the petition and fundraising.

So far, we’re at 10,200 signatures and around £510 raised. You are all the best ❤

Thanks for reading xo

Constantly Changing

Everyone you know is changing

Everyone you know is changing. Every single day you are different from the last. What happened yesterday happened to a different you. What you said, did even thought, was a product of a different person than you.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. But it makes it easy to forgive and forget if you treat every day as a new life. In awakening you are born and grow into the day as your consciousness becomes less fuzzy and clouded as the day continues. As the day winds down and you tire into old age, you experience le petite mort when you sleep.

I use this method to deal with living with myself. I don’t like a lot of the things I’ve said and done but I can’t change them. I guess that I don’t hate myself today, but I hate who I was yesterday, and the day before that etc. I can sit and overthink all the shittiness in my life and stew on it and get sad but that just leaves me a replica of someone who I was weeks and months ago.

I don’t wanna be that guy again.

I wanna be the best version of myself each day.

I just don’t know who or what that is yet.