We are Human, all too Human.
I guess the point in this is trying to explain how I feel a lot. I behave with a general apathy towards life purely because I just believe there is no real point to it. There’s no point to me or you, your dog, cat, car house or anything really.
Sometimes I find solace in it. I can create my own meaning exponentially, safe in the knowledge in the grand scheme of life it has no bearing on anyone or anything else. I tend not to care what people think of me because it just points out what makes themselves unhappy about their own lives.
Mostly though, it makes me sad. It causes most of my sadness and permeates through every aspect of my life. I can’t be happy purely because I know there is no real point.
Why should I have feelings towards people, positive or negative, if it’s just point of a needle in the largest of haystacks?
I can’t be happy not because of chemical imbalance or personal strife, but simply because of how I’ve come to view the world. I appreciate its beauty, am wary of the wonderful and awe inspiring, fond of good reading and good conversations with people of incredible character. But why?
I’m not trying to be a romantic or a lost cause, just saying how I feel.
When it comes to medication for a handy serotonin boost, I’m too skeptical of the concept of happiness for it to ever truly work. It’s a losing battle, a sick joke. Someone remarked to me that life is just 80 years of satire, and they were right.
Sometimes I long for a great illness or disease to chose my body as it’s target, mainly for two reasons. I guess primarily it’s so I can feel something other than the weighted pain of existence, and second to that a kind of chance, post disease, to feel happy and positive again about life.
I of course wish no such thing to happen to my body, especially after witnessing those close to me go through the same. I just need to feel something other than emotionlessness in order to be more productive and active in my life. Yeah, I get one life and I appear to be wasting it.
Ultimately I’m scared. I guess I’m scared that all always feel this discontent towards life. I’ll always be skeptical of any sort of strong emotion because I just see no real need for it. Thinking about it, it calls into question the irrelevance of human made structures/societal conventions/space travel. What is the point? What ultimately does it achieve other than just temporarily filling an ever growing void. We are contained in a neat little box called the universe that has boundaries. For all we know it could be a simulation.
I know one thing, there is no burning out or fading away, dying young or living forever. When I die, I’ll be as quickly forgotten as everyone else.